Why are there no monkeys on London Underground?

Why aren't monkeys seen on the Tube? 

Until now, this was one of life's great mysteries but Underground News has revealed an answer.

Traffic Notice. 2, Conveyance of Monkeys by Passengers, issued way back in 1938, stated: "A case has occurred where a passenger brought onto the Railway a monkey, which broke loose in the course of the journey. Under the Board's byelaws such animals are not to be allowed upon the Railway.

"Ticket Collectors and other staff should therefore keep a look-out and not allow any passenger to enter or ride upon the Railway if conveying such an animal."

Mystery solved!

Extract from Underground News, Number 577, January 2010, published by the London Underground Railway Society. Copies also available from the bookshop at the London Transport Museum.

Photo shows invisible monkeys emerging from the street level portal of new Northern Ticket Hall at King' Cross St.Pancras tube station.

Paul Coleman, London, February 2010.

Say hello to the Yes men

Apparently, the first step to breathing new life into the entire economic, social and environmental fabric of a big chunk of London is to spend thousands of pounds hoisting up banners on lampposts that simply proclaim the word 'Yes'. 


The logic of this idea seems to be that thousands of people flocking to Holborn, Bloomsbury and St.Giles everyday will inhale this simple, catchy 'positive thought', be inspired to work thrice as hard and somehow conjure new businesses into being from scratch that will exhale millions of pounds of fresh turnover into London's asthmatic economy.

This appears to be the strategy of inholborn, a 'business improvement district' agency, supported by our beloved Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, that aims to invigorate the fortunes of Bloomsbury, Holborn and St.Giles, three neighbouring yet historically distinctive parts of central London. inholborn's orange 'Yes' banners flap over passing pedestrians around the junction of Kingsway and High Holborn. 'Yes' also covers one side  of an information booth that greets passengers as they come out of Holborn tube station (above). Few people will notice it, as it's on the booth's back side.


To be fair, the strategy boasts a bit more than just an Orwellian 'Yes'. Peer at the small print on each banner. It says, 'Bloomsbury. Holborn. St.Giles. Midtown.' You'd be forgiven for asking, what and where is 'Midtown'? 


inholborn work with another body calling themselves the Midtown Business Club. Their light bulb moment is to re-brand Bloomsbury, Holborn and St.Giles with the bland Americanism, Midtown, because these three London neighbourhoods sits in the middle between London's financial centre, the City of London, and the capital's nightlife hub, the West End. I wonder how long they took to come up with that gem.


Will Boris support this re-branding elsewhere in London? Will Trafalgar Square become Central City? Could Elephant & Castle be re-branded as South Central? What about Regent's Park becoming Mega Park West? It seems strange that marketing people want bits of London to sound more like slices of New York when many New Yorkers enjoy living in Big Apple neighbourhoods named after bits of London - for instance, Greenwich Village and Soho.

Bloomsbury includes the British Museum, the University of London and the cafés and galleries of Museum Street (above). The Bloomsbury title itself originates from the 13th Century when the area's fields, woods and vineyards became known as 'Blemondisberi', the 'bury' or manor of William Blemond.


I haven't heard anyone on Museum Street shouting excitedly about becoming 'Midtowners'. So will the people who live and work in St.Giles, Holborn and in Blemond's Land take 'Midtown' to their hearts and allow WC1 to become MT1? Or will they utter a resounding 'no' and urge Boris, our beloved Mayor, to shove the orange Yes men down the Pipe?*


* Slang for the Blackwall Tunnel that allows the A102 road to run beneath the River Thames.


Bloomsbury's nooks and crannies will be the subject of future postings.


Paul Coleman, London, February 2010.

Rail upgrades for the London 2012 Olympics

"Millions of pounds were at stake in London's East End. Robert stood in the way, so the boys came around and hauled him off to the Essex countryside. 

"Robert is an Avonside 0-6-0 saddle tank locomotive, and has been moved to the East Anglian Railway Museum at Chappel and Wakes Colne for refurbishment. Built in Bristol in 1933, it had been standing outside Stratford Regional station, which is now similarly undergoing its own facelift - though on a much grander scale.

"For with Robert out of the way, the Olympic Delivery Authority could get on with the massive task of increasing Stratford Regional's capacity to handle the vast crowds expected for the 2012 Olympic Games..."

"...The International Olympic Committee expects the station to provide a transport legacy that will prove the catalyst for east London's regeneration".

"...It will be interesting to see what passengers make of Stratford Regional's 21 platforms, as they're mostly numbered out of sequence. There's an abandoned Platform 4 near to operating Platforms 4a and 4b. And there hasn't been a Platform 7 for a long, long time, but there'll be a new Platform 3a and an extended Platform 10a!..."

"...That's why Storey and his ODA colleagues foresee 400,000 spectators and Games workers arriving on busier days. About 80% are likely to arrive by rail, 65% of them rolling up at Stratford Regional..."

These three extracts are taken from 'Olympic Gains..?' It's one of two features I've written for RAIL magazine about transport upgrades for London's 2012 Olympic Games. Copies of Issue 636 of RAIL are on sale now in WH Smith and other good newsagents (and maybe some not-so-good ones too). 


Top photo: 'Robert', with admirer, outside Stratford station before being removed for refurbishment. Photo from Greater London Industrial Archaeology Society.


Lower: Impression of the Olympic Stadium at Stratford where 400,000 spectators are expected to arrive on busier days during the Games. Image: Olympic Delivery Authority.


Paul Coleman, London, January 2010.

Blood spills and water gushes on London's streets

Blood and water appeared on central London's streets as I came across the aftermath of two separate incidents today (Saturday, 30 January). 

Police had cordoned off a crime scene where blood stained the pavement on the corner of Bloomsbury Street and trailed across the paving stones covering the eastern tip of Shaftesbury Avenue (above).

Just around the corner, traffic piled up due to a burst water main on Southampton Row (above, click on image to enlarge). Police and a fire crew closed the road in both directions between Vernon Place and Russell Square. One car driver tried to steer through the torrent of water but was quickly stopped by a firefighter and a policeman who politely but firmly told him to do a prompt U-turn (below).

An Instant Reponse Unit officer from London Buses diverted buses 59, 68, 91, 168, 188 and the x68. He didn't have much choice and so buses and other traffic quickly ground to a seething static mass around Russell Square (below).

Paul Coleman, London, January 2010.

Boris and Charlie and an official denial

Bit of a mysterious twist has overtaken the recent tale of our beloved Boris' alleged blithering ditherings with our bonnie Prince Charlie. 

On Wednesday 27th January, the London Evening Standard blasted Londoners with a front page story, banner headlined 'CHARLES' SECRET LETTERS TO BORIS'. The Stranded excitedly blared "sources at City Hall" had said Boris and Charles were in "regular written contact" and had met face-to-face "on several occasions". Tagged as an "exclusive", carrying City Hall Editor Pippa Crerar's byline, the story heavily implied Charlie had lobbied Boris over the controversial Chelsea Barracks housing project.

What a difference a day makes. Turn to page 2 inside yesterday's Stranded (Thursday 28th January) and a follow-up story, without tag and carrying nobody's byline, says Clarence House, Prince Charles' domain and his home where he apparently long awaits longing to be King, has "denied the correspondence" between Charles and Prince Boris was frequent and stressed they'd only had "one official meeting in the last two years". The article finishes by saying "the Mayor's office now agrees with the Palace's version of events". 
The Palace? I thought the Stranded said it was Clarence House's denial.

All of which begs a few questions. Are City Hall officials and the Mayor's office claiming that Boris and Charles are regular buddies? Why didn't Pippa and company at the Stranded include Clarence House's response in the original story? Is the Prince undermining the democratic process? Is Boris sucking up to Charles? Or is this all mere Stranded tittle tattle and should we all give a hoot?

Next up: What is the Mayor doing in Bloomsbury?

Paul Coleman, London, January 2010.

The Prince and the Poor Parper

Boris Johnson, London's Mayor, loves to parp up with a jolly turn of phrase. It's possibly all part of his self-styled 'cool buffoon' image. For instance, BoJo apparently says he plans to 'wage a holy war on 'holey' roads'. Translated, he's tooting that he's keen to publicly flay and curse utility companies who constantly dig up the city's streets. 

Another hoot came from Bozza when he welcomed the green light being given to Crossrail, London's east-west rail link that involves much tunnelling under central London. "When in a hole, keep digging," hurrahed BoZo.

Well, apparently, Boris has dug himself into a bit of hole by indulging in clandestine meetings at Clarence House and by exchanging letters with Prince Charles, our future King in waiting...(and very long the Prince has been waiting too). 

Pippa Crerar, City Hall Editor for the London Evening Standard, or Evening Stranded as Londoners tag it, cites "City Hall aides" and "sources at City Hall" as saying Boris and Charlie had "exchanged views over London issues including planning". The story originated from blogging journalist Adam Bienkov.

Crerar's eyebrow-raising front page lead story questions whether the Prince influenced Boris over controversial plans for the Chelsea Barracks housing project. "Sources at City Hall were not clear whether the Prince explicitly lobbied the Mayor over the Chelsea project," writes Crerar.

The project's Qatari backers dropped the development last June after Charles criticised their plan's appearance. The Stranded says Londoners aren't likely to find out if our unelected Prince's letters and meetings with our elected Mayor influenced the democratic planning process because "the Mayor's office turned down a Freedom of Information Act request to release them" (their letters that is, not Boris and Charlie themselves). 

It's a hoot of a story about our beloved Mayor that might toot for a bit longer. 

As Boris himself said when work on Crossrail began, "the shovels have tasted earth".

Paul Coleman, London, January 2010

Moviegate: Defence Of The Realm

Some of you might have watched In Treatment, an absorbing and intense HBO TV series featuring actor Gabriel Byrne who played Doctor Paul Weston, a psychotherapist frequently burnt by his constantly simmering and often fiery patients. 


Although Dublin-born Byrne is chiefly remembered for playing gang leader Dean Keaton in The Usual Suspects (1995, directed by Bryan Singer), I first recall Byrne’s smouldering on-screen presence as Nick Mullen (above), a scoop-seeking tabloid hack who turns overnight into a daring investigative reporter in Defence Of The Realm (1985, directed by David Drury, 92 minutes). It's this British film, set mainly in London, that kicks off this occasional Moviegate series looking at the depiction of investigative journalism on the big screen and on TV.


When first seen by British audiences in 1985, Defence Of The Realm reflected ongoing Cold War worries about the stationing of American nuclear weapons in Britain under the control of United States President Ronald Reagan. It also touched raw fears about excessive and oppressive United Kingdom government secrecy following the Official Secrets prosecutions of whistleblower Whitehall civil servants, Clive Ponting and Sarah Tisdall. 


However, I think Defence Of The Realm's enduring popularity partly stems from the way it captures and bottles the air of paranoia breathed by powerful money men, civil servants and by Her Majesty's less powerful subjects during Margaret Thatcher's Prime Ministerial realm in the 1980s. Thatcher and her backers seemed to regard all political dissent as Soviet-led, backed by 'Kremlin gold'. The British left viewed the UK as descending towards an undeclared police state. Released amid that paranoid climate, Defence Of The Realm enjoyed a receptive audience.


Mullen, a reporter for the Daily Dispatch, (a bit like the Daily Express), starts Defence Of The Realm as the uneasy recipient of an anonymous tip-off that uncovers a seemingly open and shut sex and national security scandal where Labour MP Dennis Markham (Ian Bannen) and a KGB agent have been sharing a prostitute. However, Mullen's journalistic instincts tell him that his story - that has forced Markham to resign - has fallen into his lap suspiciously easily. His instincts are confirmed when his troubled colleague Vernon Bayliss (superbly played by Denholm Elliott), who was working on a very different version of the Markham story, dies mysteriously after his London apartment was ransacked. Mullen works up Bayliss' story from a clutch of seemingly unrelated newspaper cuttings about Markham. It's a jigsaw yarn where Mullen cunningly unearths a near-nuclear disaster at an American airbase in eastern England and its cover-up by a powerful military and corporate alliance. 

Markham’s personal assistant Nina Beckham (played by ‘English rose’ Greta Scacchi) helps Mullen piece together this horrifying story against the menacing backdrop of mid-1980s London and the bleak, flat Norfolk fens. Admirably, Martin Stellman's well-crafted and pacey screenplay simmers their intensifying relationship, never allowing it to overshadow the crackling main plot and theme of how a journalist, manipulated by powerful forces, risks his own career and life to reveal the true story.


Mullen’s journalism is bluntly effective at the start of the film when he shoves his foot in the doorway to stop Beckman from shutting him out. Later, Mullen manipulates quotes from MP Markham’s wife by pretending to be a plainclothes policeman. She blurts to Mullen that Markham, her husband, is “an adulterous bastard" before realising too late, "you’re a bloody reporter!”


Later, Mullen records a visiting time conversation with a detained juvenile offender by hiding a micro-cassette tape recorder (a National Panasonic!) under the raincoat he’s placed on the table. Mullen also extracts information from a US Air Force press officer by saying he is working on a run-of-the-mill feature for an obscure trade magazine. He's then traumatised by discovering accidentally that the security services are secretly recording his phone conversations. 


Do Mullen and Beckman succeed and get the terrifying truth into the public domain? Or do Mullen’s own editors, pressurised by the newspaper’s corporate owners, betray him and spike his investigative journalism? Rather than spoil the ending for you, I'll just urge you to open the bottle for yourself and inhale the 1980s paranoia that exudes from every frame of Defence Of The Realm.

Moviegate Trivia

Nicholas 'Nick' Mullen's pal Vernon Bayliss (Denholm Elliott) gets to deliver the best lines.

Bayliss to Mullen: 'Oh, well, don't let the truth get in the way of a good story.'

Later, a despairing and drunk Bayliss slurs at Mullen: 'Vodka and Coca-Cola. Detente in a glass!'


After filming, Byrne paid Elliott the backhanded compliment: "I amended the actor's cliche to 'Never work with children, animals or Denholm Elliott'." 

Byrne watchers will be pleased to know that Dr. Paul Weston character returns soon in a new In Treatment series. According to my source in the world of psychotherapy, Weston's clients include Walter, played by actor John Mahoney who is best known as Martin Crane in Frasier. 


Top photo: courtesy Carlton TV


Next up on Moviegate: The Insider

Paul Coleman, London, January 2010.